I was going to rant, but it's a waste of time and energy. As always, Gareth bore the brunt of my mini rant, though he is always the messenger, no? He faced it and took it from me..bloody Cleric, got to love him. He's a true and honest man who bares far too much of my crap, I will owe him more than 10 lives could ever bring and yet, still he is there. Diamond, what more can you say?

When you wake there is always a mixture of good and bad. Good far outweighed the bad today...thank you lovely people, you totally rock.

Take me as I am, for there is nothing but that to have.

Stop.

Take a deep breath, I mean a really deep lungful of breath. Draw until you have filled your toes.

Nice? Did it calm you, did it make you want to use it to scream? laugh, shout? Did you want to keep hold of it and not let it go? Did it make you feel alive? Did you even do it?

WAIT!

Close your eyes. No peeking, just close them.

What can you see? Did it make you smile? Or give you a tight knot of regret in your throat? Did you just see blackness, or did your mind work where your eyes stopped? Do you tell yourself you're happy, even when you know really, it's not the truth?

Once more.

Say a word, just one word. Any single word you want to at all.

Go on, do it now.

Did you shout it? Whisper it? Did it make your skin tingle, was it just a passing word? Was it relevent, a feeling, a person, a time? Was it worth it? Did it conjure a myriad of images to flit through your mind? Or are you still just wondering what? Did you think about your word first?

The breath made me smile, and I wanted to let it slip from me on the whisper of the wind and carry away to places unknown. I saw endless sandy coastline of the purest white, soft and warm, with the bluest of waves cascading against the shore and stretching out as far as the eye can see, the sun shimmering from the crest of every soft wave.

I whispered life. Then I spoke it, then I screamed it to the winds for all and sunder to hear.

Do you care? I expect not.

Wait, Im not done, I know, I know...just once more.

Scream. No not like that, I mean...scream.

Again. Louder.

Did you scream in frustration, anger, confusion, excitment, happiness??

What words do I have, when words mean so little,
What time do I have when theres none left to take.
What hope can I share when I find none inside me,
What love can I gift when I can't be awake.

I can gift you my farewells, my silence, my tears
I can gift you my sorries and eternal regret
I can gift you nought but the empty of nothing
I can give you the whispers that time will forget.

My thief, how I love you, and I swear when I heal
To you I'll return, for its where I am home
It may be today, or tomorrow or when
But I know you will be here even when I am gone.

One more day. Its not forever. Im sorry Gar, Trip, Merry, Emma, Vixen, Gareth, Bryg, Skye, Kracky, Amzer, Shir, and a whole bunch of other people that my tear stained eyes just cannot manage to write right now.

Most of all, Im sorry Seragil.

Ahh, why? Even when I look over my own words, it is easy to see I am struggling no? Struggling to find that spark, that little glimmer of happiness. Im losing that battle. It's a physical fight with myself to wake everyday, I dont want to be here, at all. I dont want to wake, I dont want to entertain..I dont want to do this anymore. Any of it. I make promises to Trip and Vixen and ..but they are empty, when the words leave my mouth I just dont know how the hell I am going to accomplish it. How can I find what they need when I dont even want to be a part of this.

Thats the point when enough is enough, no? When you really really should be telling yourself it's time to take a moment and leave it be. Never did I say I am not a glutton for punishment, so awake I will struggle..one last time, lets see if I cant pull myself back around and get back where I should be, then I can do whatever it is everyone else needs of me. Bit by bit, little by little I shall see if I can crawl back out of this hole..maybe I can, maybe not..I am past the point of caring. That in itself says alot.

So he is right, I love him in a way I really have no concept of....and he and the guild are all that keeps me here, that give me any want to be here at all. If I am going to do this, if I am even going to try..I need him to..be with me. Awake, alive and with me...and if I am honest, I dont think he wants to be here either.

It's an uphill battle with no ammunition, facing a horde of twisted selfish demons and a barrage of lies and responsibilities...butcha always got to give it one last go, yeah? We'll see.

You know. It's really not important is it? I couldnt care less, it will and always does flip in the end, and you always get only that which you deserve. I am a firm believer in that. Though we all wade through many a trial nad tribulation, in the end everything is filtered and we keep only what was meant for us. Im fortunate, blessed..awed...lucky beyond anything I ever came to think I would have. The best of me lays with my friends and family, the worst of me is what I keep for myself. But it's the real people, the ones who keep me whole and ..semi-sane, they are what make me...me.

Things have kept me asleep, much...and I do not want to be, I hate it..but life is what it is, and you cannot wish it into being something different. I may talk to Merry, though I manage to drag myself awake at least once a day..I know they need more. I will see what she has to say.

'Tis time, that time..and I intend to make it something to remember, something we can treasure for as long as we have life and breath to do so.

I want to write, I have so much that seems to be cooped up inside of me, like I am merely a shell for thoughts that amass. I want to let it flow, let it stream to parchment without active thought, just to let it all be somewhere other than me. Perhaps, I shall find but one thing to focus upon, and let the rest phase out as it will.

Something..I have a bitterness, a taste on my tongue, a coating along my throat that churns my mind and pulls at my guts. I have never had that before, never...never did I feel so lost in it. I cannot be awake because I feel so..I want to scream, shout, make my point..state my side. But I cannot. I want to lash at the wall until I am bleeding and broken and all my anger has left me, seeped into the ground and just left me. I hate this, the way I feel. Anger at the injustice, but that is my pride, and I will not allow my pride to best me.

I want the thief..I want him awake and I want him to fix it. Is that selfish? Yes, hell yes. I want him, need him..for I know he will listen but not interrupt and I know he will alow me to shout and scream and do whatever I need to, he will entice it even. Until I am done..and crying, and all that is left is the tears and the release...and then he will hold me until all the tears are passed and return the smile to my face and the anger back to whence it came. For I am not that person..because always underneath it's about being hurt with lies and foolishness.

Gah, I already feel better. Trip is back!!!!!!!!! I miss him so much, he is...well, he is perfect. Tomorrow, when I have sent all that ails me to the earth and taken a breath not tainted with all the things about human nature that I dislike...then, perhaps I can begin to help with all those things I left.

I slept today, my dreams were full and long, though in my waking moments, my ears were filled with the sound of friends adn family. Merry and I had a long chat, I think it did us both good to be honest, and we are together on this. It's good to know that she is there for me, I dont thank her enough for that, I wish I knew how to.

I miss him, he is absent again, has been for days. I know some people go weeks without their loved ones, months perhaps. Maybe I am just being overly paranoid, I just kinda worry about him when I can't see what scrapes and breaks he has. Stupid man and his stupid..stupidness.

People come and people go. Thats how Im gonna see it from now on and not stress about it, they will do as they please, as they see fit..and as long as everyone remains happy, thats all I really care for.

The guild, it wanes, I cannot lie...but a guild is the sum of its people, not just its leader. It is not purely my guild, it's our guild and together we shall make it sing once more. Leader is just a badge we pin to the person we leave the stress, it's not fun and games, nor honour and renown. it really is a crappy job..but one so worth it if you can get it right. It has its extremes, you are hailed for its triumphs and stoned for its failures, but it really is the sum of the people inside. One person can not enthuse the masses if they wish to stay apathetic, no matter how much they wish to.

I think it shook them, to realise how much we had all fallen into our own rut, our own path of ignoring and doing..but they are awake now, they know. We need to replace officers, but I guess Merry and I need to think long and hard about it..officers are people you need to trust, to help, to bear a the burden, to share in the truimphs nad failures. People that have to be ready to work if it calls for it, sacrifice if it calls for that to. And sacrifice you shall, if you truly are commited, pin the word sacrifice to your notice board, because it will entail it.

Recruiting, I think that should come as it comes, to pressure us all into thinking we must be more, we must struggle and push ourselves, others..nay. We will not fail by just being what we are, finding our reserve and then when we are settled once more, find our enthusiasm.

I think it is time for a guild meeting, to take stock, explain, talk, share...and laugh.

I'm in his chambers. I have a favourite chair here, one I sit and watch from. I can see the view from the balcony if I turn my attention that way, but..I rarely move my eyes from him. There's a certain time of night..I've no idea of the marc but, the moon shimmers across the sands, that much I know, and reflects beams of light in through the balcony windows. The way it ripples across his skin as he sleeps mesmerises me. It has me captivated, stealing my thoughts. Gods he will think me such a romantic fool even to experience it. I cannot help the way he makes me feel.

I want nothing more than to watch him, experience and learn with him, share. To hear him whisper he loves me, close my eyes and just let the words seep through my being..smile to myself when they bring a little shiver to the base of my spine..just to know he means it. Ahh, I am such a fool, he will steal this, read and laugh, tell me what a sappy foolish 'chantress I am. I love him..I love you.

I could be happy this time, really, truly happy. As long as I dont screw it up. Im still scared I guess, that something I do or say will have him running. I will give too much, or fear giving too much and not give enough, or he will suddenly realise Im not quite what he thought and move on. Or I will wake one day and find he just never wakes again...thats my deepest one. That he will just sleep and I shall not see him again.

Why are people just so vicious? Do they find pleasure in being so? Does it make them sleep better at night to know they have caused someone else discomfort. Are they proud of themselves for doing so? I was always taught, if you have nothing nice to say..just shut up. Why on earth do people go out of their way to cause more misery, it just ..I just don't get it. All our dirty laundry is dragged through the streets for people to see and whipser at in corners...why not concentrate upon your own lives instead of being verbally abusive about other peoples.

It is for no other reason than to cause upset and pain. What kind of people do that? To gain self satisfaction at making another hurt is just plain petty and foolish. Don't get me wrong, I say things, I hurt people, I do things that are stupid and selfish..but I dont think I have ever once set out to intetionally hurt someone with something I have said or done. If I have an opinion about someone elses business, I do not shout it around the hills for all and sundry to hear.

What is the world coming to, when we have nothing better to do than pick and poke at each other. It is a sad day in Valorn when we become so petty and bitter...and it is a day of rejoice in Balthazars fortress. Every little piece of each other we chip away, is another piece he doesnt have to. What a waste of life.

If you've nothing nice to say..just dont say it...it will make you a better person in the long run.

I wonder what kind of responses I shall get to this, in my own space to write my own thoughts..will it be snide remarks and snipes about my nature or my mistakes...we shall see.

I hate myself now, I should never have said anything but I want us to work so badly. I have been down the route of letting it slide before now and it's the always the beginning of the end. Now though, I feel a fool, exposed and stupid, like I was being childish and demanding. Now I wont know when next I see him, if I see him purely because he feels he has to or because he wants to. Now I feel like I have shown him how much I do feel for him and now I guess...I just wait to realise it isnt returned. He wonders over my insecurities, but they are there just for instances and times like this, to stop this happening and not let me feel that way.

I dont know whats the matter with Gareth, I can't seem to get it right there. If I wish him the best, thats wrong, if I say I am sorry, thats wrong. if I am not bouncy and happy and ..I dont know what he wants from me, I really dont. I am what I am, I am sorry for everytime I have hurt him and I am genuinely happy and wish him the best and all the joy life can possibly bring him, he is still my soul.

Mmm, the glade. At the passage of dusk into twilight the entire space is filled with the most intoxicating scent, it steals thoughts and conjures images. I do so love this place, more than any other in Valorn, but I supposed I am biased.

I woke for a time today, I had every intention of staying asleep for some time to come, I needed..want, to rest. I woke to say hello to a few people, just to send them my wishes, that I was thinking of them..and bang, you cant go back to rest when you realise how much you love and miss everyone. Though, I may still rest for a while, some people need an absense of my presense to find themselves, it has done Gareth good at least..and for that I am glad, though he thinks me not.

So I spent the time with friends, letting people know I care and helping where and when I could. Kasi even popped in for a while, I miss how much energy she has, it's so...refreshing. Abra, gotta love that woman so much, a diamond. I wish I could give her something to help, but I have only words and not enough time. Kaghn, sweetie, really he is, far too serious sometimes for his own good.

Gar, gods one day I am going to shake some sense into that man if it kills me. You cannot look at where your life has gone and fill yourself with nothing but regret, all you do is concentrate so hard on the past that you forget there is a future. Trust me, I know about screwing up...we live and we learn, it's all worth a go.

Bryggy and her new guild. YAY..she will make a superb officer I know, and Kracks is a good guy, and T..between them all they will make something good, brilliant for valorn. They are good people, filled with fun and love and enthusiasm, exactly what this place needs.

And then there is Shirila. How dare the woman take off and not leave me a note...How dare she take away my quill and not allow me to scribble in her journal and how dare she let whatever it is beat her. WAKE UP you stupid woman I want to shout at you and I can't while you are sleeping.

The thief, when next he wakes I mean to show him my playful side...to splash in puddles and ..well, he will see. Right now I miss him most of all, with the exception perhaps of Shawna. Gods how I miss that woman, how I long to just hear her voice and see her ..well, eating in Milltown.

I was getting ready to rest, but distracted..so distracted. The moon is a bright orb nestled in a velvety black sky, the stars dotted amongst the heavens like so many fae lights. It's peaceful in dreams, there are no words nor noises to distract you, only that of your own mind. My mind turned to you tonight, as I watched the clouds chase the moon across the night sky, my thoughts twisted and turned around you.

What are you thinking, is it of me? Do you wonder where I am, what I am doing? As I do for you? Just the foolish self indulgent things one thinks when they have only their own conscience to sate. As with most things, it often turns from the superficial to the in depth quickly, no? As my mind snaked a path through the fleeting images of you, the thoughts of silly things..it meandered deeper, touching on fears and laughter, on words and fate.

Do you regret? Are there times when you wonder, if I had not..or, if I had. Do you look at me and think about mistakes made and consequences rendered...or do you take all in your palm and hold it for what it truly is? Lifes movement, its ebb and flow. It ebbs now, just for now..but it will flow once again, time has a way of dealing us these things.

There is a candle burning to my left, its wick is short and it casts a tiny tendril of smoke that wisps into the night air, catching the breeze to be drawn away. With it my mind wanders, out of the window and across distance. If I close my eyes, I can see you..all that is you, not just the outside. The image as a whole, all, everything.

Thats what fills my mind tonight.

You.